Oceanbluesandsummerbreeze

I went to Danil's wake this afternoon at 3pm for the last time, before his funeral at 3.45pm. There will be a short service at 3.30pm. His family were already there, and so were some friends and relatives.

I greeted Albert, Danil's elder brother, then I walked towards his mum, Eleana. As I was calmer today, I thought I could comfort her, but the moment she saw me, she gave me a hug and we started to cry. When she told me that Danil respected me a lot and he kept saying he didn't play well during piano lessons, I simply lost control. I cried even harder. I really regret not finding time to fit in Danil's piano lessons the last few months, and I'll deeply regret this for the rest of my life. Eleana also said that Danil had plans for his future in music, which sadly will never happen.

As we took our seats to prepare for the service, it started to rain heavily. I guess, heaven is also crying for the early demise of such a wonderful boy.

While seated, I looked at Danil's coffin, at his photo, at the rain outside, and at the people in the room. Aleksander, Danil's little brother, was walking about innocently, and he even went up to touch the coffin. Looking at him, I told myself how nice it would be, to be a little kid, where there are no worries and emotional burdens.

The service started quite on time, and after saying a few words about Danil, the Father led us in the song, Because He Lives. The solemn atmosphere slightly lightened when the Father sang wrong words to a melody, and he quickly apologised before continuing the song. After the song, he continued with a prayer, and another short speech about Danil. He lifted the heavy mood once more by mis-pronouncing Danil's family name, Shagimardanov. He struggled with the pronounciation everytime he comes across it.

When the time came for the coffin lid to be closed, the Father asked us to take a look once more at Danil. I went up to look at him one last time, and my tears fell again. The thought of never seeing him again really saddens me. I remembered in my February 8th 2006 post, I wrote about Danil telling me about his family uprooting to France. In the post, I wrote how I'm going to miss him and his family. Now come to think of it, I'd rather he uproots to France and I miss him, than miss him in this sad way.

I shook hands with Zufar, Danil's dad, and we hug each other and our tears fell again. I guess we all know how much we're going to miss him. Then I told Zufar I won't be able to go to Mandai Crematorium for Danil's cremation and he nodded, understandingly. Part of me actually wanted to go, but I was afraid that I won't be able to take it, so when I knew that I had accompaniment at the conservatory, I was glad that it saved me the agony of making a decision, whether or not to go for Danil's cremation.

As I stood at the back of the room, watching the other people taking their last glance at Danil, the most touching sight came from his family. Seeing the back views of his parents, elder brother, and little brother (in the arms of his dad) huddled together, looking down at the coffin, can really bring anyone to tears. And the sight of his 72 year old grandmother, hugging and crying over the coffin, is enough to make even the stone-hearted cry. I'll never forget these 2 touching scenes.

After Danil's coffin was closed, he was wheeled out to the funeral van, waiting to take him to the crematorium. His family stood beside the van and watched the men push the coffin into it. Then the van set off for its destination. Danil's family got into a black mercedes and followed behind, while some of the other people followed in a chartered bus or their own cars. As I watched them drive off, I said a silent goodbye to Danil. I'm really going to miss him. I hope he knew how much I've enjoyed teaching him, as well as doing piano accompaniment for him. He was such a talented musician and a great person. He was always so courteous and humble.

At the moment, the only thing that will remind me of Danil, is his Christmas present to me about 2 years ago. It is a little box of 4 green scented rose candles, put in a cute little red santa claus paper bag. Zufar had told me he will make me a copy of a video of Danil and me making music together, Danil on the flute, and me on the piano. I'm looking forward to having the copy.

This afternoon, I went to the Christian Columbarium, off Old Chua Chu Kang Road to attend Danil's wake. He's put in the "Hallelujah" room at The Garden Of Remembrance.

When I reached there at about 3pm, I saw, pasted on the door, a piece of paper with Danil's name, his date of birth, the date he died, and the time he died, which was 8.43am. The bottom half of the page stated the date and time of the services and his funeral. Already tearing, I didn't want to go in yet, so I stayed outside the room for a while. When I felt ready, I opened the door.

To my surprise, the room was locked. I thought like us Chinese, there'll be people around 24hrs/day until the funeral. I called Zufar, Danil's dad, and he said that he had just reached home from the wake as his family needed him. He asked me to ask the people in the office to open the door for me, which the man-in-charge did. I guess it was my fault for not telling Zufar what time I would be there.

When I entered the room, I saw a white, glossy coffin with Danil's picture next to it. Feeling really emotional, I went up to the coffin and looked inside. The Danil lying there looked different from the Danil in the picture and the Danil that I know, but I could still recognise him, especially his cute nose. My tears were flowing non-stop by now. I just stood there and stared at him. For a moment, I hoped that he would open his eyes and smile at me, and tell me that he was just playing a nasty prank on all of us.

When I sort of calmed down a little, I started to talk to Danil. Before I could go beyond 2 sentences, I was all choked up and I couldn't continue. I want to tell him that he had been a very good student and I'm really proud to be his teacher and he'll always be in my heart.

I stayed with him a while more, and before leaving, I left a little note for him in the blue book at the entrance of the room:-

I left the place with a heavy heart. I'll have to brace myself for his final service tomorrow.

At about 2.37pm this afternoon, I received a phone call from Jeremiah, a violin student that I've accompanied before. Here's part of our conversation...

My Russian piano student, Danil Shagimardanov, had passed away on tuesday morning, to be exact. He had died in his sleep. He was only 16. I just couldn't believe what I've heard. Before I knew it, my tears started to fall. It was too sudden and I couldn't accept it, even till now. Later in the afternoon, I called Danil's dad, Zufar, and he told me Tuesday was Danil's birthday. His family wanted to surprise him with a birthday song and went to wake him up, but he couldn't be woken up. Zufar also told me that Danil seemed very tired on Monday. The doctor said that he died of cardiac failure. How could that be? He was such a healthy and lively boy.

I remembered the last time I saw him was on Friday, 9th June 2006. He was taking his flute LTCL diploma exam at Millinia Kawai, and I was his accompanist. I remembered him waiting for me in the waiting area. He was a little nervous but he played well in general. After the exam, I offered him a lift but he rejected as he wanted to buy some things nearby. Then we parted ways. That was the last time I saw him. Due to our different schedule, we couldn't arrange any lessons after that.

Then in August, Danil's mum, Eleana, called me to arrange lessons for him in August, but I asked her if we could start lessons in September instead, as I was busy with concerts and accompaniment. She said ok and she'll call me back to arrange. When she didn't call back, I thought Danil needed to prepare for his school exams, as September was also the exam period. Therefore, I also didn't call him to arrange for lessons. Maybe they'll call me after his exams, I thought. Then came this shocking news. If I had known that Danil will be gone so soon, I would have arranged lessons for him no matter how busy I was.

I really, really, really regret it. I didn't even have a last chance to talk to him or see him alive. This is just so unfair. He was still so young and he was such a lovely and courteous boy.

I'll always remember his "Hello!" when he's outside my house, to let me know that he's here...

I'll always remember the way he greeted me...

I'll always remember the way he played on the piano...

I'll always remember his cute facial expressions whenever he played something wrong...

I'll always remember our conversations...

I'll always remember his cute face, especially his nose...

I'll always remember his voice...

I'll always remember the way he wore his shoes...

I'll always remember the way he ran up the slope from my house to the bus-stop...

and I'll always remember how much I have enjoyed teaching him and doing accompaniment for him.

Early this afternoon, after lunch, I went to NTUC to buy groceries, but my main aim was to buy some more lizard traps, as the darn lizards in my house are out on the prowl again. One of them had s***ed on the box cover of my health supplement, and about 2 nights ago, I stepped on another lizard s***. Totally pissed off, I was determined to get rid of them...again.

When I reached NTUC, I shopped for kiwi fruits, strawberries, bread, vegetable salad, biscuits, green tea and yoghurt drinks. I had forgotten about my lizard traps. I only remembered them on my way home. That meant that I would have to go to NTUC again another day to get them.

Sigh! My brain is starting to "decay". I seem to forget things easily. I think it must be the lack of sleep, exercise and stress.

SIGH!!!

I'm taking my weight now.

Don't squeeze me, leh!

Hey! Something's moving!

Wait! I haven't taken a good look yet!

Sigh! I wished I hadn't looked...

Just now, I read an article about a guy, who's laptop was stolen in a food court. After further reading, I concluded that it was the stupidity of the guy. He had left his laptop unattended while he went off to buy food. After numerous articles about unattended belongings being stolen in public places, he was stupid enough to do what he did. I don't understand these people. They just don't learn.

Let's hope that he'll be smarter in future.